i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
