mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize