Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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