Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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