By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
