Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
