So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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