I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to calm my uterus...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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