i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
