Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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