Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
