Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I can't turn off my feet"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
