If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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