I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Randomize
