There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
