when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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