We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
