EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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