Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
