My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
