U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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