i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I have post one night stand depression
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
