You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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