You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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