Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wear drunk well.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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