When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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