I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
