Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
