my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
