Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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