Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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