I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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