I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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