Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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