I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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