I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
