Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I need to stop coming to work sober
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
