I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
