I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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