Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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