I hate all girls vehemently.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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