i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize