He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
