that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
