He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
