someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
