just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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