Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize