at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
