I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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