remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
