Do you still have your period?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
