u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
